DEAR HARRIETTE: I have three children, ages 16, 5 and 2. My husband and I both work long hours, and since we are a low-income family, we’ve had to rely heavily on our 16-year-old to help with child care for her younger siblings.
We’ve always been grateful for her help, but recently, she had an emotional breakdown and confronted us about how overwhelmed and unhappy she feels.
She told us that it’s unfair that she’s expected to babysit her siblings so often and for free, and that she’s been forced to sacrifice a lot of her social life and personal time because of it. She feels like she doesn’t get to be a normal teenager who can hang out with her friends or join school activities.
Her words really hit me hard; I didn’t realize how much of a toll this has taken on her.
I know she has a point, and I don’t want her to feel like her needs and happiness don’t matter. At the same time, my husband and I are struggling to make ends meet, and paying for child care simply isn’t an option for us right now.
I don’t want her to grow up resenting us or her siblings. How can I make this situation better for her while still managing the reality of our family’s financial situation?
— Need Help
DEAR NEED HELP: Create a “village” with other families with children. Ask if you can take turns caring for each other’s younger children to give your daughter a break.
Also consider changing your work schedules so that one of you works days and the other nights.
You have to figure this out so that your daughter gets some time for herself. If you don’t, you may lose her.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My younger sister is getting married to a man with a significant number of financial issues, and I’m really worried about her future.
He has $300,000 in combined credit card debt and student loans, and to make matters worse, he’s earning only $40,000 a year.
Meanwhile, my sister is much more successful; she has no debt and a stable career and earns a six-figure salary.
She’s worked hard to get where she is, and I’m proud of her, but I can’t help feeling like she’s stepping into a financial disaster by marrying this man. I fear that once they’re married, he’s going to rely on her not only to cover their bills, but also to pay off his debt.
I know marriage is about partnership, and everyone comes with their own baggage, but this feels different. It seems like he’s bringing an overwhelming financial burden to the relationship, and I don’t think my sister fully understands the long-term implications of this.
I’ve tried hinting at my concerns, but she brushes me off and says she loves him and they’ll figure it out.
I don’t want to overstep or come across as judgmental, but I’m genuinely scared for her financial stability and independence. Should I say something more directly, or is it better to let her learn the hard way?
— On the Plank
DEAR ON THE PLANK: While your sister may not listen, please speak to her candidly.
Love is great, but practical planning is also important. Suggest that they talk to a financial planner about strategies for their future. This may help her see what role she will have in dealing with her fiance’s debt.
She should also consider a prenuptial agreement to protect her assets in case they divorce.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.